SSG2-week 14  Midnight Blue - the rewrite

Wow... is it hot in here? Very nice

-Marv

LOVE IT!  Always a pleasure to read your stuff.  I'm new to the boards, but I find your work very inspiring!!

Just one word.  "WOW!"

It sounds like a very happy memory, except for the "emotional pain" phrase.  I think it either needs to lose that phrase or gain a verse that explains that phrase.  Other than that I think it is very well written, and magically captures a very vivid moment in time.  Perfect use of imagery with the candle light, shadows, shimmering, satin, rippling, waves, etc. And your choice of the color blue, with its shadowy, twilight feel, whether intentional or accidental, is perfect.  Great job once again.

Better put a parental warning on that CD! ;D

Good writing Ja'mir
It really captures some pretty powerful feelings.
I find the line about " some mystery, a deeper part you hide " quite intriguing along with the reference to emotional pain.
Did you mean to leave it all ambiguous or is there more of a story there waiting to be told?
It seems to me that this song describes a very intense set of emotions but we never quite see the story behind the feelings.
Well written though. It's great to see a mood and a colour captured so perfectly.
Beren

wow

especially

Midnight, blue satin, molded, to your thighs
Rippling, waves, ebb and flow to your cries

wow.

A couple of very minor suggestions:

Midnight, blue satin, shimmers, in the night
Reflections, from the halo of candle light
I watch, I wait, your breath, the rise and fall
Mirrored in the shadows on the wall

The second line, "reflections", isn't quite right.  

Shadows from the halo of candlelight

but that would mean you need to change shadow out of the last line.  Something like:

Midnight, blue satin, shimmers, in the night
Shadows from the halo of candle light
I watch, I wait, your breath, the rise and fall
Mirrored by the spirits on the wall

I don't think it really matters too much, just struck me as odd.

This next verse has one odd line at the end:

Midnight, blue satin, molded, to your thighs
Rippling, waves, ebb and flow to your cries
A fluid, moving river, no turning of the tide
But yet, still some mystery, a deeper part you hide

But still, some mystery, some deeper part you hide

I'd just play with it a little, it seems choppy.

But very good writing as usual.

Nick

Jamir that is one reallyyyyyyy nice piece of writing  8) 8)
great job. looking forward to hearing it.  :)

ok....... well to answer a few queries at a time, there is another verse, but not for this forum,  :P which explains the full story, i thought it wise to just stick with the intrigue here.
The emotional pain, is about someone who is in love with this "lady" and she is just after him for the pleasure they both share. or does she love him and has been bitten before so twice shy here .....

Nick,
I think it should have been reflected, not reflections
as i really need to keep the mirrored in the last line for the melody
I agree the second verse is a bit choppy, struggled with that one, but then I think it is "being played with , and it is getting very choppy" ( sorry couldn't resist that) , will go back to the drawing board
:-/
Thanks for the advise, always good to hear your point of view.
Go well
Ja'mir
;)

Alright...so trying to be a little more critical here. Not that I can be too critical of this. But Nick did bring up some good points about certain lines. So.. here's my input..

The first line uses "night" twice. And then there's the reflections line after that. What about:

Midnight, blue satin, shimmers in the light
Reflections, from the candle flames dance in your eyes

And then there's the last line of the second verse. I came up with:

But yet, stil some mystery lies hidden deep inside

While I don't like putting the word "lies" in there.. it kinda starts giving off a double meaning. It fits the meter and the words "deep inside" keep that sexy vibe going.

Just my thoughts.
-Marv

Hi'a Marv,
Yip I can go with the line
But yet, stil some mystery lies hidden deep inside,

Still not sure about the 1st verse though, something is still niggling me,
You and Nick both make a very valid point, but I haven't seen or come up with an alternative I prefer yet. but then again it all depends with the melody we come up with, that could change things .... any ideas from anyone out there.

Go well
Ja'mir ;)

Hi Jamir,

For line 2, verse 1, what about:

"Silhouettes born of the soft candle light"   ?

Just an idea, I'll keep thinking on it.

Scratchmonkey

Very good i like it, what do you think Marv?

Its works with the melody i've got in my head and says just about the same thing. If you like it its good Jamir. Its your song!!

-Marv