Hi gang. I couldn't get anything this week (so far), but I know my schedule for the rest of the week isn't going to allow a lot of time for lyrical contemplation, so this is what I cobbled together. Hopefully it's not too sappy and / or trite. There's no dead people in it. And there's nobody in it I want to be dead. Just a standard plain ol' love song.
[v1]
There's one less star in the sky,
it's a captive in your eyes.
Next to your smile the sunshine
looks like fireflies
[v2]
I don't know how you do it,
it really isn't fair,
when you're lightyears away from here
I see you everywhere.
[chorus]
You're my North Star,
My Southern Cross,
My beacon in the night.
When everything around is dark
you help me see the light.
[v3]
I've made so many wrong turns,
lost my way so many times,
without you I'd tremble,
at the destiny I'd find.
[v4]
They say a pot of gold is waiting
at the rainbow's end,
it'd be worth less than trinkets,
without you for a friend.
[chorus]
You're my North Star,
My Southern Cross,
My beacon in the night.
When everything around is dark
you help me see the light.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Don't sell yourself short.
The first two lines are gold man. I love them, sound like a pick-up line.
I'm not big on the second last line of the chorus, it seems a little bit of a stretch. Perhaps something along the lines of " When everything around me's dark, you help me see the light" would fit better with the beacon, star idea in the previous couple of lines.
The last two lines of verse three also seem a little forced to me, perhaps something that carries the "lost" theme a little more forcefully, "Your always there to guide me, and it's you I always find". (That's kind of awkward though. Oh well, I had a shot).
Good song, there's nothing wrong with a simple heartfelt love song. I much prefer this type of writing to grand allusions (or illusions) in lyrics.
Thanks for the song.
Paul
"You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
Hi'a Scratch, I agree , don't sell yourself short, the only line that caused me a second take was it'd be worth less than trinkets,
I kept readiing worthless as one word..... would be a pain to sing and hear it as two words !!!!
Other than that nice and simple ( not too long :wink: ).... I like it. somtimes the best ones come when you don't try to hard to think
Go well
Ja'mir :wink:
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Hi Scratchmonkey.
This isn't bad at all. Sweet and simple. I like narn's suggestions for the lines in the chorus and verse 3. It is a little sappy- but, then again, so are most love songs. I wouldn't worry about it.
:) Portia
Hey Stratch
Nice song, I'm a sucker for a simply love song.
but I think Narn is right on the mark about the chorus.
Just my opinion( well actually it's Narns)
Tokai 12 String
Don't you ever give up on yourself
Narn et al,
That was such a good suggestion for the next to last line in the chorus, that I stole it outright. Thanks!
And you're right that the 3rd verse needs some help as well. I'll keep working on it.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
hey scratch,
yet again like always, i love this song. i so need to reread it a few more times. i just wanted to say that i like it. really sweet, even in a rush you still manage to capture so much emotion in a nice little diddy.
well write more when i have time to sit and really think about the song.
your biggest fan. :D
-CheapThrill
hello again scratch,
ok i have had time to reread your song and really think about it.
I couldn't get anything this week (so far), :shock: i can't believe my eyes here. you couldn't get anything, so you managed to write a whole beautiful song. makes me sick. :D
the whole first verse wonderful, have i said i am a hopeless romantic before? so natually these lines speak to me. you manage to keep something very cliche from sounding that way.
My Southern Crossnice refernce here.
without you I'd tremble,
at the destiny I'd find.these two lines just don't quite sound right to me. i get what you are trying to allude to, but it sounds a bit off.
it'd be worth less than trinketsthis line is a bit hard here too. since you have two seperate words that make another when combined. the problem is, is that if you hear/read worth and less as one word then the grammar is wrong and sounds funny. maybe it works with the music you have, the way you sing it makes all the difference.
since it is an obvious love song, the light airy quality and short lines work out well.
*CheapThrill puts another tick mark under the good colum for scratch*
:D
*wonders what kind of song scratch would have come up with if he had time to think about*
-CheapThrill
ok one last thing. i can't believe you didn't come up with a title. you should be ashamed of yourself. :lol: you should hang your head in shame for that. :lol: you know you are better than that. you should have time in your busy schedule to come up with that part.
sorry i get in these moods sometimes, maybe it is the lack of sleep doing it. all in good fun though.
*tries to think of a title......* hhhmmmm..............i am not really good at comming up with titles, but you can always just pull from the song. how about "captive in your eyes" romantic enough for this sweet song?
-CheapThrill
Scratch,
Took my line, eh! Remind me to never introduce you to my wife, then again...... LOL :D . Glad I could help.
Narn
"You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
Hi Scratch,
Like the song! Seems Like most of what needs to be said already has so I'll just say: Love verse #4 :
"They say a pot of gold is waiting
at the rainbow's end,
it'd be worth less than trinkets,
without you for a friend. "
Thought it started out a little cliche but you managed to pull it off. Besides
it is a love song.
Title suggestion: Beacon in The Night or My Beacon
Celt
Hi Scratch
I think all the pertinent points have been made - good take on the assignment and a cracking song as well.
Great Stuff :)
Bob
You are what you eat, eat well
