It’s been awhile since I posted. Can’t quite seem to get anything but bits and pieces out of the last couple of months assignments. Anyway here is week 44. It needs some help. I kind of have the melody in my head. Verses are quiet, chorus more upbeat with some distortion on the guitar. I have not actually played it yet (got to get out of work first) but I think it might work. Lyrics may need some help though
Appreciate any feedback and suggestions.
Blessings. Olav
V1
Twenty-two, a lifetime away.
I still remember what I wanted to say
Words that were crushed by the awaiting storm
Hidden behind a sunrise red and warm
V2
Ocean salt seasoned your lips
Milk-top waves brushed our hips
The fiery sunrise reflected in your eyes
The morning of final goodbye.
Chorus
So now I’m standing here alone……and
storm-clouds covers my sunrise
Waves are crashing at an empty shore.
Empty words fill my horizon
our footprints gone forevermore.
The taste of salt is from my own tears
The wind thunders in my ears
Waves are laughing with every break
And our footprints gone forevermore
V3
Waves were humming a lullaby beat
Shaped the sand around our feet
Gently covering another love story
With every silky quiet beat
V4
Morning shadows grew stronger, longer
Tide was rising at our feet
That’s when I saw the fear in your eyes
And the shadows of deceit
Chorus (maybe twice)
Olav,
You paint a very vivid picture here. Fantastic images and language. To wit:
Waves were humming a lullaby beat
Shaped the sand around our feet
Gently covering another love story
With every silky quiet beat
I can see this scene as clear as if I were there. It's wonderful.
and:
Ocean salt seasoned your lips
I like the way you contrast that line in the chorus, with salt from your own tears. Very good.
If there were one thing I'd pick on, it'd be the line that says
"Morning shadows grow stronger, longer".
Only because morning shadows never grow longer. Anywhere in the world. They grow shorter. Unless you reverse the spin of the earth. Then the morning shadows would grow longer. But then the day would be inverted, and morning would be evening, and we'd be back to square one. I like the side-by-side rhyming you get by using that, though, and probably nobody else would care. It's just one of those things that my mind will focus on , and makes my kids say "Can't you just enjoy it, Dad?" But that's where they miss the point entirely, I did enjoy it, immensely.
Thanks,
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Olav,
nice stuff, some really good imagery in here, i like v2 and v3 in particular.
for the most part this is a song that ambles along nice, feeling like remember a time/place. And i think the song would be complete as it is if it didnt finish with
That's when I saw the fear in your eyes
And the shadows of deceit
that suddenly made me want to know more. what did they do? what happened next.
Look forward to seeing more of your stuff.
sozay
currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!
Scratch.
Yep this is one of the moments in life when you just go…..DUH!!
You are right of cource they grow shorter not longer in the morning.
Thanks for pointing it out.
Sozay.
I was going to change those lines then I read
your response one more time.
Quote
*that suddenly made me want to know more. what did they do? what happened next.*
That’s what I want you to feel. Make you think and dream and put yourself there, on that beach wondering what went down, like you did in “the Pier”. Made us want to know more. So I think I have decided not to rewrite those lines. Tanks for making me aware of it.
Thanks to both of you for taking the time to critique my lyrics
Blessings.
Olav
hi olav:)
I can understand your 'bits and pieces' note in the beginning very well...I've been feeling like that the last weeks, too...I'd so like to have one song complete and not confusing for once.
onwards to your song, well boy, you took my breath away(uh was it really me using such a term?)
really, very very beautiful lines in there almost heartbreaking in their grace
I love all parts of the song except verse 1...it is alright, fits and so on but just doesn't appeal to me the way the others do:)
yeah keep the ending, it's great.
thanks, enjoyed reading:)
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
