SSG3 Week 42 - The Cry

Hi'a Slowplay

One line kept popping out at me

You're frozen, light me on fire

This just didn't fit to me !!!!!!!!!!!!! not the meter but the actual wording, maybe I am missing something in the chorus, I can't decide who is who.

Can you enlighten me

Other wise good wording and nice meter, but I think it will be a monster to sing, a lot of big words with long lines .

Go well
Ja'mir.

Hey Jamir, thanks for the input.
One line kept popping out at me

You're frozen, light me on fire

This just didn't fit to me !!!!!!!!!!!!! not the meter but the actual wording,

Does,

You're frozen, throw me on the fire

work better?

But I think it will be a monster to sing, a lot of big words with long lines.

It's 3:09 to play, but yeah, some parts are a little hard to wrap my mouth around. It took me 5 takes just to sing the first line correctly.

Hey Slowplay,

Some nice words. I'm a little confused though. For some reason I imagined a husband or father wanting to die in place of his sick wife or child, but I think maybe I was way off 'cause this line doesn't fit with my interpretation.
We know the number of the times I've made you die I've made you die

Is this more of a religious song? Sorry, I'm a little clueless here. Hey, can I look forward to a rap song next from you? :lol:

Oh and a trick I learned...from somewhere, maybe just from being in a hurry all the time, if you don't wanna change your words but they're hard to fit in comfortably, just abbreviate a little, ie:
You are the cry before man overboard goes under
You are the echo bouncing fruitless off the waves
You are the bubbles rising, ripples on the surface
Stuck at the line between ocean and sky

I am the ladder that reaches to heavens
I am the star that you wish upon at night
I am the lucky side of your broken wish bone
Stuck in your wind pipe as you're gasping for life

You're the cry before man overboard
The echo bouncing off waves
The bubbles rising ripples on the surface
Stuck between ocean and sky

I'm the ladder reaching to heaven
The star you wish on at night
The lucky side of your broken wishbone
In your windpipe as you gasp for life

You speak very eloquently but I know that doesn't always work in a song, yet you hate to compromise the beauty of it. Anyway, hope I was helpful.

Joe

SlowPlay,

I've been trying all night to comment on you're
song but keep getting interupted.

OK here goes;

I think you did a great job. When I first read it I thought
much like Jamir did, but after hearing the Mp3 I must say
you pulled it off very well.

I like Joe's little trick (used it myself a few times) but I don't
think it is right for this song.

I think the "throw me on the fire" line may just work better
even though it's imagery I not particularly fond of.

I was assuming you are talking about an emotional dying rather
than a physical one.
More like let me give myself completely to you.

Anyways Good Song Keep It Up

John

Hi'a

You're frozen, throw me on the fire

I'm frozen, throw me on the fire makes more sense

otherwise i'm not sure who you are talking about.

I always think when writing a song, you got 3-4 minutes to get your story across, 5 if you are lucky, and a folk musician like me. So if the lyrics don't make sense to my audience they lose interest quite quickly and I've wasted my few minutes of fame.

If I stop at that line for example to try and work it out , I've missed the rest of the song. Understand what I'm getting at !!!!!!

The interaction is disjointed and then.......as I personally have to work out who is feeling what in the lyrics, this in turn makes it very complex for the listener.

You are the cry before man overboard goes under
You are the echo bouncing fruitless off the waves
You are the bubbles rising, ripples on the surface
Stuck at the line between ocean and sky

I am the ladder that reaches to heavens
I am the star that you wish upon at night
I am the lucky side of your broken wish bone
Stuck in your wind pipe as you're gasping for life

Let me be the one to die tonight
Let me be the one to stand out in the cold
You are frozen, light me on fire
Let me be the one to die, to die tonight

Fantastic, want to read more type of lines till I got to ththis line, You are frozen , light me on

If you are frozen how can you light me on fire. !!!!!!!!!
If I was frozen , I could ask you to light me on fire
If you were frozen I could light you on fire

but hey, this is just my point of view, it is the "you" and "I" that are confusing my little brain !!!!!

Your frozen, catch my fire *** not so sure about that one

You are ice and I am fire **** I think this one works best, as it follows all the previous metaphors of negative and positive thoughts

Hey I'm no genius here, if no one else has noticed maybe I am just being picky !!!!!! :oops:

Go well
Ja'mir

P.S. Just finished listening to it and must say a nice voice, good guitaring, you could fit in

you're frozen, let me light you on fire and it would work well
or
you're frozen let me light your fire
or
You're frozen let me set you on fire
or even
You're frozen let's set your soul on fire

just my 10c worth , hope you don't mind. :wink:

Hi Slowplay,

I loved the chorus. Really catchy, by the end I was singing along with you! G. :)

Hey SlowPlay,

I keep coming back to this one.

Like Jamir I have a bit of a problem with the Frozen/Fire line.

I think I know where you are coming from and hope you
don't mind a couple more suggestions.

First I like to go with the simple solution.

A simply "when" or "if" before the line would work for me
to make it more palatable.

Or if it's the "Frozen" that's the problem maybe
something like:

When/If you're freezing light me on fire

or

When/If you're freezing throw me on the fire

or

When/If you're freezing let me be your fire

Personally I like the last one but that's just because
I have issues of my own with certain fire imagery.

John

Hi SlowPlay

I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet (at work), but the lyrics are good. I agree with the others with the frozen/on fire line.

Maybe we don't need fire. Maybe we can just burn:

You're frozen, but I'll burn for you

or

Let me burn to melt the ice around your soul

or

Ignited, I can warm your frozen heart

or maybe the subject isn't frozen, but freezing

You're freezing, I'll fuel your fire

There's a lot of possibilities. I'll try and listen later.

Douglas

Wow, thank-you everyone for putting so much time an thought into this one for me. I tremendously appreciate it. And you've all given me lots to think about. I will rewrite that line, but let me share with you why I'm finding it so difficult.

The idea I'm trying to get across is that of self-sacrifice. "Let me be the one to die tonight" implies that she is the one who has been dying the other nights. She's been the one standing out it in the cold, now she's frozen. What I wanted to say is that I'm willing to surrender myself to the flames if that's what it is going to take to make things right. I have been making her pay, now I will own up to my responsibility, no matter the cost because my love is that deep.

I like the "when/if" thing. I would clear things up, but it isn't a when or if, it is the present reality. Lines like "burn for you", and "catch my fire" don't capture the idea that I am willing to pay the price to make things work. I want something very dark that declares that I know the cost involved and all she has to do is ask.

I think I'll be churning this one over for some time.

Thanks everyone again.

Jamir, I think part of your hang-up is that you're taking "frozen" too literally. I guess here in Canada we throw the word frozen around so much that it doesn't have as strict a meaning. Localism noted.

Doug, thanks for all the suggestions. I can't use them, as is, to communicate what I'm after, but you've given a very wide base from which to launch at something that perfectly fits my intention.

Rocket, thanks. Knowing that there is someone singing along is one of the best compliments a performer can get.

John, sorry about the fire imagery. I wanted something forceful, but I wasn't thinking.

Joe, it isn't a religeous song exactly, except that the Christian God is a self-sacrificing God, and those who do sacrficie themselves like Him paint His picture.

This is one of those times where just one one word could make a big difference....the song is pretty good, but it seems everyone has a quibble about that one line...

"You are frozen, light me on fire"....if you changed it to

"You are frozen, set me on fire" - it'd still keep the self-sacrifice theme intact, and - a big plus - it's grammatically more correct!

:D :D :D

Vic

Hey SlowPlay

No need to apologize. We all have our baggage to
deal with.
Don't change anything just because I
have a problem with certain imagery.
I do understand the context and it does work
for the song.

I'm not offended or anything,just part of my life
I have to deal with.

John