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SSG3 - week 43 - YANNI - Jamir

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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
Topic starter  

Yanni

The policies of governments have changed so many times
But they all promise the same things, more jobs and less crime
For Yanni and his family, they believed the shouts and cries
And left their hut, their cattle, for broken promises and lies
They were taken to the cities, just faces without names
Little did they know it was politicians games

Yanni was six when the school burned to the ground
At seven they moved to another filthy squatter town
At eight he was arrested for stealing food to eat
At nine he was an angry child who'd not accept defeat
He was ten when he set off to school with his peers
He'd been promised this moment for so many years

Yanni was twelve when he went off on his own
Looking for the party man, seeds of hatred sown
He was promised food and schooling, a chance of success
All he got was broken bones , and a life of emptiness
Begging change from passing cars,“klein geld assablief” ( small change please )
Nothing left but sniffing glue, to give him some relief

Life in a cardboard shelter covered in plastic bags
Dreaming of the promises, his mom and his dad
Such a trusting boy, from the rural land
Knowing now the lies of the partys man
At 14 Yanni left us, with no one by his side
Just broken promises, a knife wound, quietly he died

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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(@jadiny)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 83
 

i don't know what to say really but i sure enjoyed reading it. i didn't know what to expect ,it reminds me about a story involving a pakistani family i heard about on t.v.

One thing though the line you say, dreaming of the promises mom and his dad, i'm not sure if its just me but it doesn't seem to go with the rhythm. It needs something to make it complete, feels like somethings missing it doesn't seem to make sense to me. But it's just one sentence and i'm nitpicking.

I thoroughly enjoyed your song though :D

P.S you should write more often.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great.

--Mark Twain


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hey Jamir

I enjoyed this song. I know what jadiny means about these lines
Dreaming of the promises, his mom and his dad
Such a trusting boy, from the rural land

But Im picking that you pause at the comma, in which case think the meter would be fine.
What impresses me the most is your use of rhyme without it coming over as forced, well done :D . The way the story progresses using his age as the common thread through the verses also works well for me. If you post an MP3 Ill look forward to hearing it.

Cheers
pb


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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 Joe
(@joe)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 504
 

Yes, nice job, Jamir.


   
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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
Topic starter  

Thanks for the comments people,
It is actuslly about the plight of the african people in South Africa, sorry not Pakistan , althouogh their plights are probably just as bad.
Agree with all of you on the mom and dad line, any suggestiond here would be helpful !!!!!

go well
Ja'mir

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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(@chris-c)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 3454
 

Nice work. Very Joan Baez. :)

Poor Yanni. There are a lot of Yannis in the world today. :(

How about:

Life in a cardboard shelter covered in plastic scraps
Dreaming of the wealth that never landed in his lap
Such a trusting gentle boy, who left his rural land
And had his future shattered by the lies of the partys man
At 14 Yanni left us, when his dreams and spirit died
Just broken promises, a knife wound, and no one by his side.

Cheers, Chris


   
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(@rocketgirl)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 206
 

jamir,

I really like the original. Personally I wouldn't change it. To me this line shows that he has some comfort in his thoughts and what better love, than one of a parent. Great song, would really love to hear it. G. :)


   
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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
Topic starter  

Hi'a
Thanks for this words Chris, I'll take that as a huge compliment as she is one of my biggest influence
Very Joan Baez.

Will have to see what melody I eventually come up with and then hear how that particular Mom and Dad line comes out, my MP3's are always about 2 weeks behind the lyrics posting stage.
Not enough hours in my day and recording in an apartment in the city centre isn't the easiest !!!!!!!

But thanks for the imput

Go well
Ja'mir

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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(@jacqui1627)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 47
 

hi Jamir :) I love reading your songs; and this one was no exception. the thing I loved about this one was that by the time I was hit with the ending Just broken promises, a knife wound, quietly he died I really felt like I had come to know yanni, and it just tears at your heart to think someone left the world so alone and amidst so much suffering. Even though Yanni is not real, his tragedy is a reality for so many, and you've captured that plea in a timeless lyric. Kudos to you :)

Jacqui

"Iam a question to the world... not an answer to be heard."


   
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