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SSG4 Week 20 - Happy Smiley Driving Song

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martin-6
(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 418
Topic starter  

Here is my latest song. It may look as though each part has the same structure, but they actually differ musically in the rhythm and melody.
The song has a driving rock beat, crunching power chords with distortion, and a blazing solo at some point (well, in my imagination the solo is blazing...)

-------------------------------------------------------

[chorus]
I'm on the way to nowhere
The road's the last thing on my mind
Torn between a new beginning
And the mess I've left behind

[v1/v2]
A raging storm above me
Sheets of rain come crashing down
Wipers going crazy
Since I left that hellish town

With a gas tank full of guilt
And my conscience riding shotgun
I made a list of alibis
And realised I've got none

[pre-chorus]
Foot to the floor and eyes ahead
Counting every mile I've driven
Can't look back, can't forget
Some mistakes can't be forgiven

[chorus]
I'm on the way to nowhere
The road's the last thing on my mind
Torn between a new beginning
And the mess I've left behind

[v3/v4]
If the lights are green I speed on through
I close my eyes on red
Blue ones flashing in the mirror...
Won't give up until I'm dead

White lines flash and cut a dash
Down the centre of my soul
Blinding headlights make me swerve
I'm barely in control

[pre-chorus]
Foot to the floor and eyes ahead
Counting every mile I've driven
Can't look back, can't forget
Some mistakes can't be forgiven

[chorus]
I'm on the way to nowhere
The road's the last thing on my mind
Torn between a new beginning
And the mess I've left behind

[v5/v6]
A woman's blood upon my hands
And sweat upon my brow
Her face engrained within my mind
There's no turning back now

The devil on one shoulder
And my angel in the trunk
I'm headed for the border
In this rusty piece of junk

[chorus]
I'm on the way to nowhere
The road's the last thing on my mind
Torn between a new beginning
And the mess I've left behind


   
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chefie
(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 553
 

Gee, if this is your Happy Smiley Driving Song, I don't know if I want to hear your sad one! Anyway, you have some great imagery here and I really like how you use it. Would love to hear this with the music you have in mind. Good work!


   
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jayrod36
(@jayrod36)
Eminent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 14
 

i agree with chefie,, pretty cool jam , definately a rocker.

leave your ego at the door , play the music, love people.


   
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Tokai 12 String
(@tokai-12-string)
Estimable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 122
 

Hey martin-6

I have to agree with chefie & jayrod this is a fine job but...
how about switching the lines in verse 3

Blue lights flashing in the mirror
Won't give up until I'm dead
When lights are green I speed on through
I close my eyes if they're red

Just my opinion

Tokai 12 String

Don't you ever give up on yourself

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=358286


   
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Rodders
(@rodders)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 1086
 

Gotta say Martin,, thats a really cool song. It hooked me as soon as I read the chorus, made me want to know more.
lovely rhyming structure too.

Great job.

Rod :wink:

Be excellent to each other & party on dudes!
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=686668


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Martin,

I like it, flows well, tells a good story. But I can't possibly let you get away without me having something to say :P .
I think this song is begging to have:
I'm on the road to nowhereYes I know its a little cliche'd but that's a phrase everyone identifies with. Of course that would mean that you'll have to change line 2 to something like
The drive's the last thing on my mind or something better.
Good song well done :D

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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martin-6
(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 418
Topic starter  

Yes, that was a dilemma I came across while writing it.

I have to confess, despite all the positive comments, I hate the song I have written (I deliberately neglected to mention that when I posted it). It is totally out of my style and I am having great difficulty doing the music for it or singing it. I feel that many lines are sloppily written and don't fit the meter well (they sound like a beginner's lines). Also, everthing comes in fours, which I desperately want to break away from. After the second or third phase of writing it I ended up with eight verses featuring the same old ABCB rhyme scheme (which is essentially just a plain old rhyming couplet - not exatcly a challenging format - if you take out a couple of carriage returns). So, lazily, I just took the two most generic verses and turned them into a pre-chorus and a chorus. Shuffled the verses round a bit, chucked in the chorus a few more times, and hey presto. The slacker's guide to songwriting. In fact, this is the first song I've completed that I pretty much gave up on creatively, and probably won't add to my repertoire.

But hey, to post what I feel is a really bad song and get five thumbs up replies - that just makes me feel plain good about my writing skills and their progress! So thanks for your kind comments.


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Nice Martin very nice

On my first read ( and this always happens to me ) I got a little lost ..

But when I read it a second time I totally understtod it , would be great to listen to especially after a argument with the Mrs :lol:

Once again mate well done

Hilch :?:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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Saber
(@saber)
Reputable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 350
 

Ragardless of your personal hangups with the song I think it reads better then some of the other stuff I've read of yours.

Sure there's no ground breaking ryme patterns, or clever and captivating analogies, but you take simple language and tell a decent story with it. I say run with it.

Although I'd change the title from happy smiley driving song, which really only gets it's appeal from simple irony, to something more like "road trip to mexico with a dead hooker in my trunk."

Cheers.

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Martin,

I like the way the story unfolds throughout the song
just giving bit of information about ''the mess'' until
the final reveal. Good Job!

Tokia makes a good point about switch the line in verse 3.
I think that works well and gives a tighter feel to the song.

I love Saber's idea for a title :lol:

Sounds like a Quentin Tarantino film but it reveals to much
of the story.

Maybe "My Mexican Road Trip" would work.

Now on to the opening line.

Paul makes a good point but "I'm on the road to nowhere" has
been used very effectively by the Talking Heads. When reading
this I couldn't get that line out of my mind.

I think "I'm on my way to nowhere" would be better or
you could consider changing the entire line.

Just my thoughts

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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Ghost
(@ghost)
Prominent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 815
 

After reading your song I feel like I'm still a long way from where I want to be in my writing.

Cool knowing that you're a rocker.

"The devil on one shoulder
And my angel in the trunk
I'm headed for the border
In this rusty piece of junk"

That was almost borderline cliche, until you tossed the "angel in the trunk." That could also be a double meaning. The woman in the trunk!? :shock:

"If I had a time machine, I'd go back and tell me to practise that bloody guitar!" -Vic Lewis

Everything is 42..... again.


   
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