Week 32--Your Paralyzing Stare Set To Stun

I liked all of the songs, and I'm really not a star trek fan. What really stuck out to me though was these lines:
And I can fight to get it right
Or tell you I had my fill
But you just might decide one night
To set your paralyzing stare to killMy words sometimes come out in rhyme
'Cause your beauty inspires song
But maybe I'm just losing time
In a place I don't belongLoved these parts. Liked the revised songs, too! Keep it up!

Which should I use? The original?

My words sometimes come out in rhyme
'Cause your beauty inspires song
But maybe I'm just losing time
In a place I don't belong

OR THE REVISION?

AND EVEN THOUGH TIMES MY WORDS MAY RHYME
I STILL MIGHT SAY IT WRONG
‘CAUSE MAYBE I'M JUST LOSING TIME
IN A PLACE I DON'T BELONG

Thanks...Joe

I like the first version because it says: 'Cause your beauty inspires song. That shows why you sometimes rhyme. It's just a different meaning I guess. Go with what you mean by the sentences, not what sounds better. Thats my opinion.

tough desicion.... I like both, but as pierson said the first might be expressing/explaining more.... depends on what you're going for, i guess..... I'd say the first is on the safer side, but I really don't know, it's your song, you decide;)
(I know how difficult deciding can be... if you really can't just keep both and when you ever record it see what flows better with the rest of the song and the music... just postpone it :wink: )

cheers,
bluenightangel

hi joe :)

The original version is the version it makes everything flow

mystic :)

Thanks guys, I agree. Go with your first instincts, right? I'll keep the original (espeically since the ladies seem to like it, and especially 'cause it's kind of true.) Thanks again.

Joe