Week 32--Your Paralyzing Stare Set To Stun

Very good.

Some parts a little long, but if your writing to music you already have then it probably fits that.

Anyway I enjoyed this...

Hey Joe, that's an interesting concept for a song, but mixing a love song with Star Trek references just kinda seems ackward to me. Plus the stun is redundant to the paralysing.

I think maybe you've got two songs here. A jokey song aimed at sci-fi fans, and a serious song about looks that kill that could be chalk full of imagery about vision and eyes and light.

With the song the way it is, I really liked the ABCABC rhyming scheme for the chorus, and the verse about songwritting. Oh yeah, and the misery/easily rhyme was nice too. Good stuff.

Ha, Slowplay I was waiting for exactly that critique.

Joe

Hey Joe,

There once was a critic called pbee
Who reviewed some songs on SSG
But he found all the time
He got distracted by rhyme
And the theme was harder to see. 8) :P

Other than that I think SlowPlay is on to it. There are two good songs in here, for me Id be going with the serious one, maybe digging a bit deeper into how all the indecision makes you feel. The Catch 22 of being jealous, but that just makes her do the very thing you don't want her to do.
There's some good stuff in here (if I get off my soapbox) :wink: , I like what's going on in those verses, good stuff.

pbee

Well at least you didn't correct me on the spelling of phasers, lol.

Kirk out.

Hey Joe,

Just thought i'd chip in with a 'nice work, i like it'. I like the whole paralzing stare and changing it from stun to kill, very clever. everyone has covered everthing else.

good writing,
sozay

Hey Sozay,

Thanks and to pbee and slowplay, nanananana!
I'm quite fond of the whole offsetting misery with humor concept myself, but since I love a challenge and I'm even growing fond of pbee and slowplay since they challenge me often, and when they like my stuff I feel extra warm and fuzzy inside, I tried the two song suggestion. And please I'd like your opinion too Sozay whether the original was better or the revisions. Thanks for defending me, lol, and thanks pbee and slow for bustin' my chops. See edits above.

Kirk out.

the Set to stun rewrite is awesome. the chorus is hilarious. you'd have to sing the "phaser to..... stun" in that stop start way that kirk talks!! lol

The other one is good too, and the rewrite of the "absense...past tense" bit make more sense now too.

nice work
sozay

Okay so pbee and slowplay were right. Dammit Spoc do you always have to be so logical! Thanks Sozay. Kirk out.

Hey Joe,

I'm pretty much in agreement with Sozay. The Kirk one was hilarious. I was reading with sampled in clips of Shatner doing the quoted parts.

The serious one, to me, isn't a downer. It's struggle, and struggle is interesting enough without having to add a gimmick.

So far you've done 2-3 rewrites this week while I have yet to do my first. Good work.

Knee jerk reaction, I suppose. I've got some real tear jerkers you'd probably love, lol. Some inspired by the exercises in the forum (Titles). As for your submission, I'm sure you won't disappoint. Look forward to it.

Joe

Hey Joe

Nice work on the "Phaser to Stun" rewrite. I also like "Rewind". Brings up the old coming or going paradox that most everyone can relate to at some point in time.

Good work!

Hey Joe,

Yeah, these two songs are great. “TIME TO HIT REWIND” was a great title for the that song. Relationships can be like that. Good work. I also liked the Kirk one, very funny. :D

pb

hey ya.

have to agree with anyone else on kirk... really hilarious :D

I basically liked all of your three pieces here although it's surely better now with them split in two, it's more concise/drawing/whatever now;)
something I really liked about your first version was this:
My words sometimes come out in rhyme
'Cause your beauty inspires song
probably the girl in me;) but hey, I thought it was nicely put.

good work&a lot of effort :wink:
cheers,
bluenightangel