I hope I understood this assingment! Little explaination for this reversion: This song is about my insomnia. I'll try to explain this briefly. I stay awake because my brain races and talks (I'm also diagnosed with slight paranoid pscytsophrenia, my dad had it) with itself, and I can come up with brilliant ideas and songs, but then I'm fried in the morning. The first version didn't explain why I felt the way I did, so the revised version explains how my brain works. The second version is just replacing the verses.
1
Sometimes I want to cry
because sometimes I want to die.
Sometimes I pray at night.
I pray, "Oh God. please tell me why!"
I am, oh God, I am losing the path that I have tried so hard ro find.
I can't, God, I can't take what I am becoming, everything I hate.
I can't accept, I can't acknowledge what I am, what continue to be.
I need, ah f*ck, I need answers to my questions and this to be resolved!
Recumberent, awake in a dream.
Another failed attempt to sleep.
One more restless, lonely night.
I scream, "Oh God, please tell me why!"
I am, oh God, I am losing the path that I have tried so hard ro find.
I can't, God, I can't take what I am becoming, everything I hate.
I can't accept, I can't acknowledge what I am, what continue to be.
I need, ah f*ck, I need answers to my questions and this to be resolved!
(This part explains a few nights I've had to drink myself to sleep)
What cost did it take for my slumber and peace?
An empty bottle of jack for me to rest at ease.
The addiction retorts in this possitive way.
But I hate waking up writhed in its pain.
Unrest provides my indignation and wry.
I pray, "Oh God, please tell me why!"
(echos)
My insomnia grows every second I'm awake
I slip into a dream once day breaks.
In here I'm so warm and safe.
I'd do anything to try and stay.
At morning I just try to remain.
I just want to avoid my insane, to stay in the safe.
I am, oh God, I am losing the path that I have tried so hard ro find.
I can't, God, I can't take what I am becoming, everything I hate.
I can't accept, I can't acknowledge what I am, what continue to be.
I need, ah f*ck, I need answers to my questions and this to be resolved!
And here is the revised version
2
Toss and turn, over and over.
It races and races. It won't shut up.
Ignores every command and overlooks my bidding.
It wonders, yet stays, and it won't stop.
Feed it the bullet and tell it to die.
Voices I create in an involuntary state.
Excuses, excuses of being up all night.
And failure to awake for another day.
What cost did it take for my slumber and peace?
An empty bottle of jack for me to rest at ease.
The addiction retorts in this possitive way.
But I hate waking up writhed in its pain.
Unrest provides my indignation and wry.
I pray, "Oh God, please tell me why!"
(echos)
A genious in shadow, attacking my health.
Brilliance in closed and suffering eyes.
Dominates functional under the moon.
Shuts down in the presence of the entering light.
I ease open, but what do I find?
The master controls of a burnt out mind.
It won't follow instructions I try to provide.
Sandman must have missed me with his sands of time.
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
wow the second version is a vast improvement on the first! The first one was a little all over the place and hard to follow but you really gaver your point across in the second way more clearly! well done!
Hey Pierson, nice make-over. I like the subject matter. It's a nice change for you.
I agree with GuitarGeek, the second version is a vast improvement. In the first version, though, I liked the chorus a lot. I don't know if it fits the new song... maybe as a bridge?
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Yeah the chorus is in the second version, i just replaced the verses. Thanx guys.
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
I actually liked some of the stuff in the first version too. I could do with a little less of the "Oh God," which you I think completely left out in the revision, good for you. Not that I have anything against God, mind you. I just thought it was a bit much. You clearly have lots to say and I get the feeling can be very eloquent when saying it. And I can definitely relate to the insomnia thing, though I'm getting that my bouts were nothing compared to yours so I'm sorry. There again, good work for giving me a feel of how truly traumatic your insomnia is.
Joe
Hi Pierson,
For me the second version is extraordinary writing, you've got a great talent here, at a cost I can only imagine. But its version 1 that really gives me an insight into that cost. When I read that I was moved, I liked it because it raw and honest and not wrapped in language. In terms of a song I think version 1 would work better because it relates at a visceral level not and academic one. I agree with Joe on the God stuff, and Id probably drop the profanity as well.
Excellent job :D
pbee
Hey pierson,
i like the title. i definitely prefered the second version, it seemed a bit more structured. (and it doesnt have "i scream' something something" i have a pet hate for lines that start with I scream)
the second version isn't quiet so melodramatic, the imagery is more interesting, (feed it the bullet, etc) it doesnt appear to break up into an obvious verse/chorus/verse structure, which is good too, to have something a bit different every now and again.
all in all, good writing
sozay
currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!
Okay, I think we have two different types of listeners. Ones like the beat, the structure, and just the way it flows all together. The other likes the lyrics. Looks like we have both types' opinions in this post! I am both of these, but I'm more of the lyrical being. I can connect with a song through its lyrics, which is what I think the second version has. Yet again, the first version has lyrics that are less direct, so maybe the lyric-lovers like that one. I don't know, I'm rambling on now. Anyway, the chorus is in the second version, I just didn't write it in there. I could edit it, but i think that would just confuse people trying to read our conversation. I'll think about changing the 'oh god' part. I'll see what I can come up with, then see what people like. Thanx!
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
