week43 "(Colours with)Extra Sheen"

Hi blue
I really think you’re onto something here
I like Your idea of speaking parts of the lyrics and
I think if you do that the length of the song is fine. Maybe also
singing the last chorus heavier with some distortion on the guitar.
Just an idea. I don’t even know if you play guitar :)
Anyway, I love the lines:
“Today I’m pulling out the stitches
Who sewed your eyes, love, show me those bitches” -That is just
too clever.
Overall I think it just needs a little bit of tweaking.
Great work.
Blessings. Olav

I'd leave it as it is till the end of the part written in green, then stick these two parts together;

Today I'm pulling out the stitches
Who sewed your eyes, love, show me those bitches
Tomorrow I'll buy you colours with extra sheen
I'm tired of self-repeating black-and-white scenes,

It'd sort of reiterate - for emphasis - what you've already said, but give a sense of optimism, and would be a neat way of summing things up......

Vic.

:D :D :D

Hey, blue
I've read and re-read this for ten minutes I've read the comments that olav and vic have posted
but I just don't understand this one I am clueless. This one just goes right over my head
I'm trying to comment on all post. unfortunately this is the best I can do here. Sorry I need help on this one
...??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

hey blue,

i have to agree a bit with tokai. i was not drawn in totally with this song. i am not really understanding it all. i get the basic gist of it but only in the most general sense of guy meets new girl and she helps him out.

there is some great imagery here.
Erase the clouds from your memoriesI'm tired of self-repeating black-and-white scenes

i am not really enthused with the title. the word sheen just doesn't sit well with me. when i think of the word sheen the first thing that pops into my head is "afro sheen" and that is nowhere close to what i should be thinking. To see comets pass through your periphery
for some reason this line really stands out to me, i keep going back to it. so maybe a title could be "comets through your periphery". something else i don't care for in titles are ( ). just a thought.

-CheapThrill

...

first of all thanks for the replies.

man, this time I was aiming for a simple nice lovesong, easy to understand(for last time some of you complained a bit*smile*)...and I really think it is this way:(
I just don't understand this one I am clueless.-tokai
i am not really understanding it all. i get the basic gist of it but only in the most general sense of guy meets new girl and she helps him out. -cheapthrill

is it really that difficult? it wasn't intended to be like what you think it's about, cheap thrill...it is more like guy meets girl(or the other way around, girl meets boy...??anyway :wink: ), she is over-worried and scared all the time(watching her back nervously) and he really falls in love with her and wants to show her all the things she misses out on('comets'...) and also wants to reveal to her the bright side of life(the colours with extra sheen, not just colours but the best of the best, with a vivid sheen; although it wasn't a metaphor originally it was straight-forward -she's a painter painting only black-and-white pictures) and he tells her not to worry so much anymore because now she's got someone who will worry about her for the simple reason love :wink:
I don't even know if you play guitar I do :D but not that good, I try:)))
I like the lines you mentioned, too:) thanks.

hey vic. good idea, thanks, mate:))
first thing that pops into my head is "afro sheen"what's that?

somebody else thinking 'sheen' doesn't fit,too?

cheap thrill, I like your idea for the title:) I don't know if I'm going to change it yet...

so no one of you thinks I should leave out the green part?and no one thinks the last chorus is crap?
(*relieved*)

ok, bye for now
bluenightangel

hi Blue

I really liked it when I first read it until I got to the spoken part. For me just cut it out and go with something like:

(Colours with) Extra Sheen

And Tomorrow I'll buy you colours with extra sheen
I'm tired of self-repeating black-and-white scenes

And either finish with te normal chorus

Erase the clouds from your memories
To see comets pass through your periphery
Stop watching your back so anxiously
I'm here now to take on that duty

or adopt Vic's suggestions

Today I'm pulling out the stitches
Who sewed your eyes, love, show me those bitches
Tomorrow I'll buy you colours with extra sheen
I'm tired of self-repeating black-and-white scenes,

Either work and as such keeps the song fairly uncomplicated.

I reckon the green spoken part is the basis for a whole new song.

Good idea

Bob :)

hey blue,

"afro sheen" is the spray that black people use to make their hair shiny. see you can learn all kinds of new things on this web site. :D

-CheapThrill

Hi Blue
I like this song , I would agree with you that it is actually one of your more immediately understandable pieces. I suspect you were trying to do too much all in the one song but Bob's edited version is great.
I love the line
'Who sewed your eyes love, show me those bitches'
its completely fresh and unexpected. You really do have very original ways of putting things.
Keep it up
Beren

Hi'a Blue,
So many great lines, I like all the comments people have made, you really make us think don't you :wink:

I have actually copies and pasted all the lines and need times to sit with them,I could just hear something going on in my head as I read them the first time, if you don't mind i might even like to put some of it to melody.
So my comment will come sooner ot later ok !!!!

go well

Ja'mir

hey ya:)
I reckon the green spoken part is the basis for a whole new song. -bob

well, actually, yes you're right;) that's why I felt uncomfortable with leaving it as it is.
it definitely gets crossed out now:)
I like your revision a lot, thanks :D

thanks, cheap thrill;) I feel smarter now*smile*
I would agree with you that it is actually one of your more immediately understandable pieces. -beren
yay, i'm glad you see it this way, too:) thanks.
if you don't mind i might even like to put some of it to melody. -ja'mir
why would I? you know I'm not very inspired when it comes to music so I'm very happy you might do this:)

thank you all very much!!!!!!!
what would I do without SSG? I've never written as many songs a year as I did this year, thanks :D
bluenightangel