Y9W1 - Economic Blues

Welcome to the SSG, Mr Worm!

IMO, a creditable first effort - reads well, the rhythm's good, and you've nailed the assignment both in terms of writing a blues song AND following the format/template.

Just a couple of little things.....

In the second verse, "there's no found to be found" - obviously a typo, I'm guessing you meant food? Whatever you meant, "there's no drink to be found" might work well there....smacks of desperation, ie not only is there no food but you can't even drown your sorrows.

The other small thing is, in the first verse you've manage to find a nice internal rhyme ("found" and "town) whilst also managing to rhyme the third line with the repeated lines. That works well - it'd be nice if you could pull it off with the other verses.

These are only very minor quibbles, though...and I'm already looking forward to reading more from you.

:D :D :D

Vic

Hello and welcome!

As Vic said, great work on the assignment. I think my quibble would be with the use of "cupboards." Does anyone besides Mother Hubbard even have one anymore?

Okay, on the serious side, I also agree with Vic that the internal rhyme in the third line of the first verse works well. I also noted that you used the same start for the third line of the second verse ("...no food to be found...") but not the third ("we can't stay here...") so I would like to suggest coming up with something for the third line of those verses to possibly mirror the first two. Here are some rough suggestions just off the top of my head:

For second verse:

There's not a dime to be found, so they've shut everything down, no electric, no gas, not heat

For the third verse:

There's not a friend to be found, just this old tarp and some ground, we're a homeless family today

And since I'm already echoing everything Vic says, let me add that I'm definitely looking forward to more from you here at the SSG. Welcome again and I hope that you can also manage to come up with a way to record this. It would be great to hear.

Peace

Thanks for the feedback. Yup, I mistyped and repeated myself too. That was a very fast first draft, a 20 minute song. I'll try to get some editing time on it today. I noticed the internal rhyme in the first verse and was thinking about deleting it. I'm not sure I want a sing songy rhyme structure considering the darkness of the subject.
The song consisits of three verses dealing with successive loss. THere isn't any joy. Somehow I would like to end it with a key change to a major key and a final verse of promise. Not sure how that can be pulled off though.

Good start :D Vic and Dave have good advice.
Somehow I would like to end it with a key change to a major key and a final verse of promise. Not sure how that can be pulled off though.
Suggestions:

Musically, maybe just raising the key a step on the "hope" verse will do it and/or changing from minor to major chords

Lyrically, maybe something along the line like this:
They can try to knock the confidence out of a guy, beat him up PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY, but he will keep on getting up, basically the quote "fall down 7 times, stand up 8" No one can keep a good man down. Good always prevails over evil, whether the people are jealous or envious of the person, they will never keep him down http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=THEY%20CAN%27T%20KEEP%20A%20GOOD%20MAN%20DOWN

Life's knocked (me/us) down/tossed me to the streets we're out in the rain (and/when) it pours
but I'm/we're gonna (get up/get back) and stand once more
or
They (can take/took) my job and house; try to run me out of town
But I know who I am you can't keep (me/a good man down)

....and Welcome to SSG! :mrgreen:

James

First edit. I eliminated the internal rhyme. Also I decided the third line should not rhyme. I changed the chord progression slightly, adding and deleting a few of the sevenths. For some reason, I think the Em fits in the last line.

(Am) The boss standing there, (Am) pink slip in his hand, (Dm7) how we gonna get (Am) by
(Am) The boss is standing there, (Dm) pink slip in his hand, (E) how we gonna get (E7) by
(Am) I started here at 16, (Am7)worked hard all my life, (Dm) but that won't find me a (E7) job
(Am) The boss is standing there, (E7) pink slip in his hand, (Am)how we(Em) gonna get (Am) by

There's no food in the kitchen, the cupboards are bare, what are we gonna eat
There's no food in the kitchen, the cupboards are bare, what are we gonna eat
The money's all gone, nothing left to sell, and we got no hope for a meal
There's no food in the kitchen, the cupboards are bare, what are we gonna eat

The sheriffs at the door, says we have to leave, where are we gonna stay
The sheriffs at the door, says we have to leave, where are we gonna stay
This was our place, but we can't stay here, a family needs a home.
The sheriffs at the door, says we have to leave, where are we gonna stay

I like the fact that it's short, bleak, intense, very focused on its subject, with very little filler.

In terms of sound I actually preferred the version where line 3 rhymed with all the others. But you know the song better than I.

All in all, good job!

I keep playing with line 3 of the third verse

I had
We can't stay here, we have to leave, we're a homeless family now
That repeated the word leave from the other three lines

I tried
We can't stay here, new locks on the door, we're a homeless family now
That repeats the word door

We can't stay here, we have no roof, we're a homeless family now
Just sounds awkward

We can't stay here, it's not our home, we're a homeless family now
precedes "homeless" in the same line

I decided on

This was our place, but we can't stay here, a family needs a home.

Welcome MrEWorm

Good start. I have to agree with Martin and say I prefer the version with the
3rd line rhyming.

Looking Forward To More

:note1: :note1: :note1:

John

Nice job and many good suggestions. I don't think things always have to rhyme but in this case I think I like it more.