Y9W1 - Office Cube Blues - new version

Hi Ernie,

Sounding good...nice delivery on the mp3 :D I like the line "Rent my life away from 9 to 5"

Suggestions:
1
Consider keeping the scene in the cubical for all three verses as it could support the title a bit more.
2
Consider an "office type" synonym or metaphor for the word "dyin'.....maybe like
"I'm fading faster than the office calendar"
or
"I'm turning grayer than these cubical walls"
or Feels like I'm dying one key stroke at a time in this office cube
or Feel likes like death by telemarketing in this office cube
3
Consider if the time frame between v2 and v3 works for you. V2 the singer wakes up before the sun; usually sun rise is 6 AM and he starts work at 9....seems like a long time to get to work, but then again I suppose some do have a long commute...but if it took over an hour to get ready then took 2hrs one way to work.....I guess it's possible so take or leave the suggestion to rework the time frame.
4
Consider focusing the word music a bit more....maybe "guitar" or "blues"....also if we are listening to the singer than they are doing some music...maybe "Wanna play MORE music/gtr/blues but (I've) got no time".

Take or leave what suits your purpose.

Nice to see you posting again :wink:

James

Hi Ernie

Loved the MP3. You've got a great, expressive voice.

Having done the wake up before sunrise to get to work thing for ages, I do get the second verse. But I'd use it to make an interesting change in the third verse, inverting 9 to 5 (which is what everyone expects) to "5 to 9."

Wanna play some music but I've got no time
I wanna play some music but I've got no time
Rent my life away from 5 to 9
I wanna play some music but I've got no time

That way you've incorporated all the commuting, not to mention dealing with getting home and dealing with dinner and everything else.

Great job and I'm looking forward to more.

Peace

Great job, I think you nailed the assignment the best anyone has, and I loved the mp3!
No alterations necessary.

Thanks for the feedback everyone and hello James. Good to see you are still here. I'm having some fun with this.

I could not think of an office type metaphor for dying that would fit the meter of the verse. Once I have a rhythm for the melody it is hard for me to change line lengths but I'd like to be able to do that so I will keep it in mind. For now I'll be literal. I took the commute part out and tried to keep all three verses in the office. I liked the commuting part but 9 to 5 is a cliche and in the end it was easier to think of another office scenario than to try and implicate time in another way. 5 to 9 was a good suggestion to deal with it being dark out and the commute but I felt I would need to add in am and pm for more explanation since it is not the cliche that 9 to 5 is and that seemed difficult. One other thing I did was lengthen the third line of each verse but I am starting them out on the last measure, E7, of the second line. I rewrote the third line in the third verse with more words so they would all be the same. I'd like to know if the wordiness of the third lines clashes with the brevity of the others. I'll get an mp3 of this version up by the weekend if not tonight.

Office Cube Blues - Ernie Jamison - V2 capo 3rd fret

Feel like I'm dyin' in this office cube
I feel like I'm dyin' in this office cube
This deadlines wrapped around my neck like a hangman's noose
Feel like I'm dyin' in this office cube

Walk to the water cooler for some gossip and lies
I walk to the water cooler for some gossip and lies
That old devil put his hands in the water and it makes loose tongues fly
Walk to the water cooler for some gossip and lies

Wanna play my guitar but I've got no time
I wanna play my guitar but I've got no time
Rent my life away to the corporate masters while the sun crosses the sky
Wanna play my guitar but I've got no time

Hey Ernie

I like the rewrite a lot but I having a bit of a problem with the last verse.
Seeing that this is a "song" that you are singing and playing you must have
found some time.

I might suggest something along the lines of:

Wanna please my baby but I've got no time

or

Wanna hold my child/children but I've got no time

Just Some Thoughts

:note1: :note1: :note1:

John

Hey Ernie,

I like the revision you have going...this seems to be fitting in a bit better to the title with the new details. I really like this line:
That old devil put his hands in the water and it makes loose tongues fly

I don't watch the Office but it seems like some sitcoms break out of character these days and do a musical number during the show. I remember an episode of the Simpsons when Lisa was talking with "Bleeding Gums" and he said something to the effect of write from where you are and she did something like the 4th Grade blues....I could see an office guy or group break out into doing this song 8) 8) 8)

I look forward to you next mp3 :wink:

James

The MP3 works great for me. I would have liked a harmonica solo between the 2nd and third verses, but then again this is just a quick demo....written and recorded in just a few days. Heck, I don't even know if you play harmonica...but it surely would go nicely between those verses to add a little colour. I'm thinking harmonica because the guitar's more folk blues (a la Dylan) than blues....

But, in the spirit of the blues, I'll repeat the first line. The MP3 works great for me......

:D :D :D

Vic

Took longer than I thought. Thanks to Celt for the 3rd verse. Vic it has changed to an electric blues. A harmonica solo on the acoustic version would have been good.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=9828218

Office Cube Blues - V3

Feels like I'm dyin' in this office cube
I feel like I'm dyin' in this office cube
This old deadlines wrapped around my neck like a hangman's noose gettin tight
Feel like I'm dyin' in this office cube

Walk to the water cooler for some gossip and lies
I walk to the water cooler for some gossip and lies
That old devil put his hands in the water and it makes those loose tongues fly
Walk to the water cooler for some gossip and lies

Wanna hold my children but I've got no time
I wanna hold my children but I've got no time
Rent my life away to the corporate masters while the sun crosses the sky
Wanna hold my children but I've got no time

solo

Feel like I'm dyin' in this office cube
I feel like I'm dyin' in this office cube
This old deadlines wrapped around my neck like a hangman's noose gettin' tight
Feel like I'm dyin' in this office cube
Feel like I'm dyin' in this office cube

AWESOME :!: :!: :!:

8) 8) 8) Too cool 8) 8) 8)
Great job, Ernie!

Hey Ernie,

this is great :D :D :D loved the mp3

Paul

Thanks. One day I'll redo the electric guitar track. I'm working on pentatonic shapes a little bit. I had bought a Squire Classic Vibe Custom Tele that day and that was it's maiden voyage.

Ernie