Y9W1 - One Hundred Dollars (+mp3)

Hi Martin,

I like the vibe and delivery. I like the details in spelling out the money amounts. :D

Suggestions
1
V1 seems to lack the detail shine like the other verses.
"One hundred dollars would be a good starting point"
Maybe something like
One hundred dollars for a good time Friday night
One hundred dollars and I'll be ready to fly (setup for meaning of getting high in line 3)
2
30 bucks for liquor, 40 for a ride, 50 for the motel (that's including getting high)
This sums up to $120 Consider making it total $100
2
Consider having V2 sum up to $100 to fit with the title and other verses
3
I'm interested to hear your thoughts on how I could make the story tighter or more succinct.
seven hours till Sunday; got my debts to pay
That's about all I could see about trimming down.
4
would settle all that you done took
how about
would get your name off the book(s)

One hundred dollars would settle all that you done took
Yeah one hundred dollars would settle all that you done took
50 saves a finger, 20 saves a toe, if you got a hundred then I'll let you go
Yeah one hundred dollars would get your name off the book(s)

Thanks for sharing mp3 was a nice + :wink:

James

Hi Martin

I'm with James on the addition, but I think you should use it to keep the money needed / owed spiraling upward. It's kind of hinted at with the use of the word "almost" at the end of the first verse, but you could hammer it home like this:

One hundred dollars would be a good starting point
Yeah one hundred dollars would be a good starting point
30 bucks for liquor, 40 for a ride, 50 for the motel (that's including getting high)
I guess two hundred dollars would be a good starting point

You could use this upward spiral in the last verse as well:

One hundred dollars would get you off the floor
And two hundred dollars would get you out the door
50 saves a finger, 20 saves a toe, if you got a couple hundred then I'll let you go
Hey for four hundred dollars I might not come back no more

In the second verse, I appreciate listing out the debts owed, but if someone is thinking along these lines to settle his debts, I have a hard time believing that debts to the sister or (especially) the State would be high on the list. Just a thought.

Really liked the MP3. You've an appropriately low menacing growl. Very cool.

Looking forward to more.

Peace

Hi Martin,

Like the MP3 and James' suggestion about making the
dollar amounts add up in the first verse.
In the second verse, I appreciate listing out the debts owed, but if someone is thinking along these lines to settle his debts, I have a hard time believing that debts to the sister or (especially) the State would be high on the list.

I actually like the part about 200 for the State but agree the sister would not be high on my list.

Maybe bookie or if you want to play off the "getting high" in the first verse dealer.

:note1: :note1: :note1:

John

That is a cool sounding mp3. I really like the 3rd lines of each verse. Very clever.

This is picky but consider leaving the word "It's" off of the first line on the second verse. It's (ha!) not necessary and "Seven hours till Sunday..." will roll out better. In fact "so" and "now" could be left out off the last verses too. "Yo" and "yeah" kind of gives it a little personality though and could be emphasized like you are really calling out.

The first verses indicate 1st person and then later there is the word "you". It would be good to stick with one perspective throughout.

Nice tune.