Hi'a strangers
Officially retired, so hopfully can get on with my music this year. Hope I am still welcome :P , a bit rusty but here you go.
A dream within a dream
Her bag fell of the seat ,her thoughts went tumbling on the floor
The light sank into shadow and my doubts ran out the door
I was rocking on the precipice of a cliff in outer space
I'd left my human form, now just a light without a face
A dream within a dream, no one ever knows
Asleep or awake, which way do we go?
Maybe a chance to change the style or life we chose to live
Asleep or awake which way do we go?
I looked back on the wreckage of what had been my life
I looked upon the people who were trying to save my wife
Hovering in the cosmos surrounded by a purple flame
I knew the all the answers to this human life game
I flew across the room and looked through my naked form
A stark white shroud covered me, it didn't keep me warm
I shivered at the sight of me and what I had become
Was she was right all along, were we all part of the one?
A dream within a dream, no one ever knows
Asleep or awake, which way do we go?
Maybe a chance to change the style or life we chose to live
Asleep or awake which way do we go?
Right there beside her, I asked her to show me the way
She spoke into my empty face, ignoring the decay
‘It is a dream within a dream, where do you want to go?'
She answered with a riddle around an angelic glow
Waking in a soaking sweat, I see her sweet, kind and strong
A second chance make a plan and undo all the wrong
a warning or a nightmare, who will ever know
She answered with a riddle around an angelic glow
A dream within a dream, no one ever knows
Asleep or awake, which way do we go?
Maybe a chance to change the style or life we chose to live
Asleep or awake which way do we go?
go well
Ja'mir : :wink:
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Welcome Back Ja'mir
Of course you're always welcome here.
I like your song. I wish I could say I love it but somehow it
isn't quite jelling for me. I don't understand why either it seems
to have everything there. Good rhyme, the story is well presented
(beginning,middle,end) and it has a nice little moral. It even fits
the assignment in it's own way.
What do you have in mind for melody? I think that is where my
problem is. I'm not getting a sense of melody.
As always though that's just my opinion.
It's nice to see you around again.
John
Jamir! --
Great to read your stuff again. I could hear your voice while reading this, and I almost recall when the seed for that "dream within a dream" was planted. I'm a little fuzzy on the details. Truthfully, I'm a little fuzzy on most things lately.
...I wish I could say I love it but somehow it
isn't quite jelling for me. I don't understand why either...
I'm just guessing here John, but it may just be that you haven't heard it yet? It works that way for me quite often.
And I'll second John's sentiments, -- always welcome. (but you knew that, did'nt you?)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Thanks for the comments guys
Well this year is officially try and put some decent music my lyrics year.
So Celt you are right ....... it doesn't gel melody wise for me either but I had the words
Her bag fell of the seat ,her thoughts went tumbling on the floor
The light sank into shadow and my doubts ran out the door
going round and round in my head after reading the assignment and loved them, the rest just followed.
I like the outcome but what I am going to do with it , who knows!!!!!!!
I will try and work something out.
I have about 280 songs waiting for decent melodies!!! but I need to keep my lyric brain stimulated at the same time.
Good to be back
Go well
Ja'mir :wink:
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Hi Jamir
I like your song. I like what your saying but if I could take up on John's sense of unease I also have that feeling. For me it's the contradiction between this:
I knew the all the answers to this human life game
And then the question here:
A dream within a dream, no one ever knows
Asleep or awake, which way do we go?
Maybe a chance to change the style or life we chose to live
Asleep or awake which way do we go?
Maybe instead of a question, an assertion something like this
A dream within a dream, the living never know
Asleep or awake, and yet we'll choose which way we go?
A chance maybe to change the style or life we used to live
Asleep or awake we choose which way we go?
Of course that opens up a whole lot of other possibilities that you could take this song.
Nice song
Cheers
Paul
Excellent advice.
Like that idea
A dream within a dream, the living never know
Asleep or awake, and yet we'll choose which way we go?
Sounds much better thank you. :D
Once I've finished working on a song I wrote 2000 years ago I will get this one to music . I can hear it now. Thanks again
go well
Ja'mir :wink:
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Good to see you around again, Jamir, it HAS been a while hasn't it.....
Can't find much to fault with the song, but I've just read one of Straycat's songs and I'd suggest the same to you as I did to her - try and have some kind of rhythm or melody in mind while you're writing the lyrics down, it's much easier to add the music then.....
I have heard some of your songs before, and always enjoyed them, so don't stay away so long, you hear? Keep writing - your lyrics are usually somewhere between pretty good and why didn't I think of that.....
Hope to hear more from you soon,
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
