SSG2 Week 48 - Sozay

Read it through, saw in my minds eye the shy nervous kid, flitting from group to group round the fringes of the party, desperately trying to pluck up courage to speak to the girl he fancies........

A) So the song works, good images.......
B) the scenario fits the assignment......

Mission accomplished.

May not be the greatest title, but it's part of the chorus and fits the song, so unless you feel inspired and come up with a real killer, stick with it.

Couple of small grammatical changes might make it flow a liitle smoother - you're mixing tenses (first verse is looking back, it's set in the past tense, while the chorus is set in the present...it's a statement) and mixing persons...("When I saw HER" in the verse, third person......."That YOU're ready to hear" in the chorus, 2nd person).......could be easily remedied though, try changing the chorus round a little,

"I had nothing to say,
(That) She was ready to hear"

following the first two verses......that's the past taken care of......keep the 3rd verse (Bridge?) as it is in the present tense, the scenario has switched from then to now....past tense to present, i.e. the first two verses were flashbacks, the bridge is NOW and she's leaving.......

so leave the bridge as it is, then the final chorus as it is, and then "I love you, I love you, I whisper to the breeze...."

Hope this helps.......

Vic.

:) :) :)

Sozay,

Good take on the assignment. Vic makes some valid points about the grammar. You raelly caught the feel of the situation . One thing stuck out and it may just be a typo. The line: "Relieved to take you leave"
Shouldn't that be "Relieved to take your leave" Good Work

Celt

hi sozay:)

might not be the best song you ever wrote but it's a good one :wink:
I wasn't to enthusiastic about it but then I read the line
Whispered to no one, but the breeze ...that's cute.
so now I like it, besides you've been describing me pretty well(except that I'm a girl :) ).........

well done.
bluenightangel

not much to add really, just posting to 2nd vic
and say i really liked the 'The small talk was miniscule' line.

rob:)

Thanks for your comments guys, and Vic in particular.
I've fixed up the grammar, tenses, POV, and spelling... aheh
Hopefully that does it :)

thanks again
sozay

hey sozay,

cute little song here. the sentiment is very true. i like the short lines and the simplicity of wording since the subject the having such a hard time talking. just a sweet tender song, makes you feel simpatetic toward the guy.

-CheapThrill

8) 8) I liked the chorus the best :D . The verses also had some good lines! "relieved to take your leave"" I liked also.
:D :D

Well Sozay,

What can I say that hasn't been said. You did a good job capturing and expressing a feeling that everybody can identify with.

-- Scratch 8)

Glad I could help!!!

Reads a whole lot more smoothly now, without losing the raw emotion...nice work!!!

:) :) :)

Vic

Hi Sozay

Great little song full of emotion and paints a forlorn picture of a party. That's the assignment as I'd seen it in my head.

Good stuff

Bob :D