Week 48 The Circle of Strife

hi:)

I really like your song:)) although I'm not too fond of the chorus(kinda cliché-ish don't you think? but alright, the verses make up for it.)

the verses are sweet...the rhymes...love them, great lines...can't find much to criticise...maybe the repitition of 'mate' in verse 2 and you use '45' very often but at least the latter is rather essential, isn't it?

the bridge about the photograph and then involving the son give the whole song a nice turn, cute ending:)

great:)
bluenightangel

took me a while to twig, the hot august night and diamond reference, but i got there.

nice touch with the generational aspect as well.

my only concern is the ration verse to chorus within the song, particularly with the 8 line verse, the chorus is quite short and at least on teh page looks swamped!

rob:)

Thanks Blue and Rob for your comments.

I think you are both right. Too cliche-ish(think ill use that word in my next song) and all to short. I was trying to stick to the guidelines as much as possible. I will probably end up trying to change the chorus and lengthen it some.
On the repetition of mate, I think I will replace the one in the first verse with damn but feel the others need to stay because they illustrate the circle the first being a mate of my dads and the second, for my son, a mate of his dads. History repeating itself so to speak. This goes for the use of 45's too.

By the way Rob. You are correct and in the past, i used to wake to Neil Diamond on occasion. lol Mum and Dad and all their friends thought that album was the shite when it came out. lol I still dig Crunchy Granola. lol

Thanks again for the comments.

TheJackal.

Nice effort, Jackal, you've obviously tried to do something a little different....nothing to add, really to the other comments 'cept to say if you're bothered at all about the 8-line verse, don't be....you could leave it as it is, you could split it in two, or do what Springsteen did with "Born In The USA", just add few bars of music after the sixth line, do the last two lines as a couplet....

:) :) :)

Vic

Jackal,

great song! can here this rocking along like some pub rock classic. the verses are all great. it kind of threw me in the last verse, i thought you went from telling it from the your to your fathers view, but i get it now... its pretty early over here, brains still waking up :P
maybe, as is already noted have another crack at a chorus, and i think your on a winner.

cheers
sozay

Hey Jackal -

I'm liking the song. Interesting idea and good imagery.

I'm wondering a bit about the title. I don't feel how "Circle of Strife" fits in with the song's meaning. Also, perhaps changing the chorus just slightly the last time around (after the narrator sees that party heartiness is generational as it has passed from his father to him and him to his son) would give it a bit more punch.

"I party real hard, I party real long
And I know just where I get it from"

I can see this being a rockin' barroom brawl song quite easily. :) Good on ya, mate.

Jackal,

Just wanted to say I love this song. I had this whole big thing about the generational thing and all yesterday But my daughter plugged in the blowdryer on the same curcuit as the computer and the rest is history

Great work

Celt

Thanks Celt.

Sorry to hear about the pc though. lol I hope it survived. As soon as I have spurt of inspiration, the pc is the place I head.

TheJackal.

The pc is fine. Just blew a breaker and lost what I was working on and never got back to it.

Celt

Hi Jackal

Good song, good take on the assignment, rationing the chorus does make it seem too short but set to a good 'driving' rhythm I don't think you'd have any trouble keeping it as it is. I think the whole thing works really well. The bridge is great, although if I'd seen my mother in fish nets and high heels I'd be putting a therapist's kids through private school. :wink:

Good stuff.

Bob :D

Haha,

Thanks for the kind comments Bob. I guess that is part of what the song is about. How the unusual to some is so normal to others, so now my usual is a little more ot there than most. haha

Thanks again,

TheJackal.