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SSG5 week 6 to 9 - Dave - First Posted Song - Now with MP3

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(@lavadave)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 54
Topic starter  

http://www.soundclick.com/lavadave

Hi everyone, I just recently found this and I'm going to try to start participating regularly.
If I understood right this week it's an open topic, but short song.
I like van morrison's nostalgic types of songs like, but I can't pull off his super loose structures.
This songs vaguely about my hometown of Millville, NJ

Glasstown

Waiting on a glasstown ferry
ferry cross an old old stream
I know what I found and I know what found me
Hand in hand sweet children

Something happened and I'll never explain
The magical feeling of moonlight starlight
Angel wings and morning brings a
Sad song sweet children

Cause whenever the children dance and sing
in glasstown it's the same old thing
I know I'm right but somethings wrong in glasstown

Mornings come and mornings go
In glasstown it's always so
so dance a dance and I'll sing on
move on sweet children

and whenever the children dance and sing
in glasstown, it's the same old thing
I know I'm right but somethings wrong in glasstown


   
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(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 553
 

Hi Dave,

Welcome to the Sunday Songwriters Group! I really like a lot of the imagery and the tone of your song. While I, like many others here, don't believe you have to adhere to a strict structure or rhyming pattern, I felt it a bit bumpy. I took the liberty of playing with the lyrics a bit cause I liked them so much. I don't know if it retains the quality that you wanted, but it might give you some ideas. And look forward to hearing more from you.

Neil

Waiting on a glasstown ferry
to cross an old old stream
there's something that I found or it found me
if you know what I mean
sweet children go Hand in hand
but something's wrong in glasstown

The magical feeling of the starlit moon
Angel wings and morning brings soon
Something happened that I can't explain
Sad songs and sweet children
but something's wrong in glasstown

I know I'm right and something's wrong
cause whenever the children dance and sing their songs
in glasstown it's the same old thing
sweet children and what they bring
something's wrong in glasstown

Mornings come and mornings go
In glasstown it's always so
so dance a dance and I'll sing on
and the sweet children they move on
cause something's wrong in glasstown


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

well - I looked at the original song, with Van M in mind and thought "hmm yeah, not bad at all - nicely ambiguous, reads OK, not much to pick on there at all...." then I read Chefie's re-write, and I have to say, that's one of the best re-write's I've ever seen......only problem is, Dave's going to have to re-write this himself in the next couple of weeks (if I've read things correctly....) and how do you follow that?

You two should work together!

Dave, if this is an example of what we're going to see from you, then I for one am glad you found this forum....look forward to reading more!

Chefie, I'm off to have a look at what you've done this week.....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Dave,

welcome to the forum, I like it, I like the variable pace youve got going in there leaves lots of room for emotion. I also like what youre doing technically, using repeated phrases and repeated words back to back (very nice), and contradiction
I know I'm right but somethings wrong in glasstown nice line.
All in all I think this is great, as vic says if this is your entry level stuff, Im also looking forward to some more, well done

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@lavadave)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 54
Topic starter  

Thanks for everyone's input. I'm glad pbee noticed what I'm trying to do with the repetition. I edited the line layout so that now each line represents two measures. The bridge is added with section labels and a slight variation at the last chorus. I'll work on a recording tonight. I'm really having fun with board so far.

Glasstown

Verse 1:
Waiting on a glasstown ferry
ferry cross an old old stream I
know what I found and I know what found me
Hand in hand sweet children

Verse 2:
Something happened and I'll never explain the
magical feeling of moonlight starlight
Angel wings and morning brings a
Sad song sweet children

Chorus:
Cause whenever the children dance and sing in
glasstown it's the same old thing I
know I'm right but somethings wrong in
glasstown

Verse 3:
Mornings come and mornings go in
glasstown it's always so so
dance a dance and I'll sing on
move on sweet children

Chorus:
and whenever the children dance and sing in
glasstown, it's the same old thing I
know I'm right but somethings wrong in
glasstown

Bridge:
Oh-oh those children know that
Summer sundays move on so slow
Noon in salty June forever
Changes in New Jersey weather

Final Chorus:
whenever the children dance and sing in
glasstown, it's the same old thing I
know I was right but something is wrong in
glasstown


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Hi

Not much for me to add here just wanted to let you know I have read it and its' a darn shame the MP3 WOULD NOT OPEN FOR ME ..

And i love the Bridge well done the noon in salty June , really sets a nice image ..

Take care

Trevor

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

mp 3 just opened after i posted

wow what a voice mate ...

lovely , I am very envious

Trevor

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@chefie)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 553
 

Hi Dave,

Your MP3 not only is great, but gives me, and I'm sure others, a lot of insight of what you had in mind. Great job! Looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Neil


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Great mp3, well done :D

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Welcome Dave,

Nice guitar, Great Voice and wonderful lyrics.

Can't think of much more to say.

Bravo

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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 Olav
(@olav)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 150
 

Welcome Dave
Great Song. I'll just tag on to the other comments
Good to have you onboard
Blessings
Olav


   
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(@lavadave)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 54
Topic starter  

This is really a whole new song, but I wanted to give a try at changing to the third person and setting up a different rhyme scheme. Let me know what you think.

Glasstown

Verse 1:
Heartbroken, she was standing
Watching sunrise on the landing
A phantom ferry was riverside
And Glasstown was at low tide

Verse 2:
Holy holy she heard the waves
Echo hymns that Jesus saves
Choir moms and children nervous
Sing their song at Sunday service

Chorus:
When she heard those echoes sing
of shadows under holy wings
Ancient shadows came upon her
Echoes of that endless summer

Verse 3:
Sunday mornings come in slow
But she stands dockside till she knows
That last years echoes always ring
When this years children dance and sing


   
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(@lavadave)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 54
Topic starter  

Here's a recording of the new version with a totally different tune and feel.

http://www.soundclick.com/lavadave


   
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(@trevor)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 74
 

I prefer the original Dave { personal taste thats all }

How ever I did enjoy the slide guitar though

I think you are just showing off now as I can't sing or play and here you are 2 versions of the same song { only jokeing }

Ist version for me Dave

Trevor

aka ( Barnabus Rock / Hilch)

Where the hell is Nick to help me ...

.........double space ..........

I am aso known as Barnabus Rock ...Hilch ....ummmm yeah thats it


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hey Dave,

nice mp3, I liked the slide too.

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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