SSG5 week 6 to 9 - Dave - First Posted Song - Now with MP3

Hi Dave,

Welcome to the Sunday Songwriters Group! I really like a lot of the imagery and the tone of your song. While I, like many others here, don't believe you have to adhere to a strict structure or rhyming pattern, I felt it a bit bumpy. I took the liberty of playing with the lyrics a bit cause I liked them so much. I don't know if it retains the quality that you wanted, but it might give you some ideas. And look forward to hearing more from you.

Neil

Waiting on a glasstown ferry
to cross an old old stream
there's something that I found or it found me
if you know what I mean
sweet children go Hand in hand
but something's wrong in glasstown

The magical feeling of the starlit moon
Angel wings and morning brings soon
Something happened that I can't explain
Sad songs and sweet children
but something's wrong in glasstown

I know I'm right and something's wrong
cause whenever the children dance and sing their songs
in glasstown it's the same old thing
sweet children and what they bring
something's wrong in glasstown

Mornings come and mornings go
In glasstown it's always so
so dance a dance and I'll sing on
and the sweet children they move on
cause something's wrong in glasstown

well - I looked at the original song, with Van M in mind and thought "hmm yeah, not bad at all - nicely ambiguous, reads OK, not much to pick on there at all...." then I read Chefie's re-write, and I have to say, that's one of the best re-write's I've ever seen......only problem is, Dave's going to have to re-write this himself in the next couple of weeks (if I've read things correctly....) and how do you follow that?

You two should work together!

Dave, if this is an example of what we're going to see from you, then I for one am glad you found this forum....look forward to reading more!

Chefie, I'm off to have a look at what you've done this week.....

:D :D :D

Vic

Hi Dave,

welcome to the forum, I like it, I like the variable pace youve got going in there leaves lots of room for emotion. I also like what youre doing technically, using repeated phrases and repeated words back to back (very nice), and contradiction
I know I'm right but somethings wrong in glasstown nice line.
All in all I think this is great, as vic says if this is your entry level stuff, Im also looking forward to some more, well done

cheers

Paul

Thanks for everyone's input. I'm glad pbee noticed what I'm trying to do with the repetition. I edited the line layout so that now each line represents two measures. The bridge is added with section labels and a slight variation at the last chorus. I'll work on a recording tonight. I'm really having fun with board so far.

Glasstown

Verse 1:
Waiting on a glasstown ferry
ferry cross an old old stream I
know what I found and I know what found me
Hand in hand sweet children

Verse 2:
Something happened and I'll never explain the
magical feeling of moonlight starlight
Angel wings and morning brings a
Sad song sweet children

Chorus:
Cause whenever the children dance and sing in
glasstown it's the same old thing I
know I'm right but somethings wrong in
glasstown

Verse 3:
Mornings come and mornings go in
glasstown it's always so so
dance a dance and I'll sing on
move on sweet children

Chorus:
and whenever the children dance and sing in
glasstown, it's the same old thing I
know I'm right but somethings wrong in
glasstown

Bridge:
Oh-oh those children know that
Summer sundays move on so slow
Noon in salty June forever
Changes in New Jersey weather

Final Chorus:
whenever the children dance and sing in
glasstown, it's the same old thing I
know I was right but something is wrong in
glasstown

Hi

Not much for me to add here just wanted to let you know I have read it and its' a darn shame the MP3 WOULD NOT OPEN FOR ME ..

And i love the Bridge well done the noon in salty June , really sets a nice image ..

Take care

Trevor

mp 3 just opened after i posted

wow what a voice mate ...

lovely , I am very envious

Trevor

Hi Dave,

Your MP3 not only is great, but gives me, and I'm sure others, a lot of insight of what you had in mind. Great job! Looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Neil

Great mp3, well done :D

Paul

Welcome Dave,

Nice guitar, Great Voice and wonderful lyrics.

Can't think of much more to say.

Bravo

John

Welcome Dave
Great Song. I'll just tag on to the other comments
Good to have you onboard
Blessings
Olav

This is really a whole new song, but I wanted to give a try at changing to the third person and setting up a different rhyme scheme. Let me know what you think.

Glasstown

Verse 1:
Heartbroken, she was standing
Watching sunrise on the landing
A phantom ferry was riverside
And Glasstown was at low tide

Verse 2:
Holy holy she heard the waves
Echo hymns that Jesus saves
Choir moms and children nervous
Sing their song at Sunday service

Chorus:
When she heard those echoes sing
of shadows under holy wings
Ancient shadows came upon her
Echoes of that endless summer

Verse 3:
Sunday mornings come in slow
But she stands dockside till she knows
That last years echoes always ring
When this years children dance and sing

Here's a recording of the new version with a totally different tune and feel.

http://www.soundclick.com/lavadave

I prefer the original Dave { personal taste thats all }

How ever I did enjoy the slide guitar though

I think you are just showing off now as I can't sing or play and here you are 2 versions of the same song { only jokeing }

Ist version for me Dave

Trevor

aka ( Barnabus Rock / Hilch)

Where the hell is Nick to help me ...

Hey Dave,

nice mp3, I liked the slide too.

cheers

Paul